The losing battle of the single mom

Restraining kids to their beds isn’t an option is it?  I need advice on how to keep my 4 year old from leaving her bed at night that also allows me to achieve a sane number of sleeping hours.  I told her that she could no longer sleep in her older sisters bed.  I want her to start sleeping in her own bed each night.  I spent an entire weekend painting and remodeling her room for her, I bought a bed, dresser, and a nightstand with a small tv.  The kid has it made, I slept in a sleeping bag my entire 2nd grade year and I didn’t have a dresser until I bought one when I was 18.  But does any of that matter? No.  She sneaks out of her room every night and crawls into her sisters bed.  I’ve tried to guard the door, I caught her twice last night but she is a night owl and always out last me!  I resulted to threats last night, I told her if I woke to find her in her sisters bed she would be punished.

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I woke up, went straight to her room, No Hailee?  Go to her sisters room look in bed, no Hailee?  Small heart attack, as I catch a glimpse of a small people on the floor.  It’s Hailee, sleeping in her sisters room on the floor.  I’m losing this fight.

We can’t be friends

img_3615I finally said exactly what I was thinking and it may have ruined everything.  Do you ever have one of those nights where you’re laying in bed, mentally reliving a conversation, and kicking yourself for all the dumb things you wish you hadn’t said?  That sums up how well I slept.  I was supposed to have breakfast with the guys and then hang out. It wasn’t supposed to be awkward since I had already seen Eli twice post dating.  We were cool.  Or so I thought.  When I got to breakfast Max had his girlfriend and little sister there, and then Aylssa Eli’s ex girlfriend was there too.  It sparked a little jealousy inside me since I knew that he still had a thing for her.  I try to listen to the advice others give me about if he doesn’t want to be with me then move on.  Yes I understand, logically that makes sense.  I’m not trying to get back together with him, I’m just not 100% over him so being in this situation was hard.  So I planned on saying that I had plans afterwards to donate blood for class so that I wouldn’t have to hangout afterwards.  Well guess what?  Jacob and Eli decided we would all go donate blood together and then hangout. Everyone decided to do a scavenger hunt at this place called Stover’s, it’s like a real life narnia.  There were 6 of us so we got split into teams of 2.  I got paired with Aylssa.  It ended up being fun and I saw why Eli liked her, she was funny, energetic, and witty.  Dang I hate her, but I really like her.  Ugh.  Since things were going good I decided to join the bonfire at the guys house afterwards.  I made the mistake of telling Jacob I had kissed someone else’s boyfriend.  Harsh judgement followed, which traveled to everyone there.  I blew it off and continued about the night.  Soon it was just Jacob, Eli and I watching YouTube videos.

This is where things turned ugly.  Jacob told me that Eli got beat up by some drunk chick.  Eli showed me the scratch marks and started to tell the story about his friend who got drunk and attacked him.  I was on his side, I hate girls who attack certain guys because they know they won’t fight back simply because they’re a gentleman.  However when I heard this girl was married, and her husband was upstairs sleeping while Eli was downstairs taking care of his drunk wife who was attacking him then, crying and begging him not to leave… I voiced my opinion, I told him that it wasn’t cool for them to judge me for kissing someone who had a girlfriend when he is hanging out with a drunk married woman.  Eli just looked at me and told me to get out of his house.  He continued to say they had been friends for a long time, and it was hard enough without my input.  Jacob changed the subject and then they turned on a movie.  Completely dismissing the get out of my house statement.  I sat there feeling so uncomfortable, I wanted to leave but I didn’t want them to know I was hurt.  So instead I sat there for 20 minutes watching this movie like a dufus, pretending nothing just happened.  The longer I sat there the harder I tried to hide the hurt.  My face was heated, eyes filled with tears, my throat was swelling closed so I finally got to courage to grab my stuff and walk out.  I didn’t say anything except to Jacob, which was, I’m leaving.  Eli texted shortly afterwards.

img_3648Even with an apology I can’t see myself comfortable entering his home anymore.  This is the end, I won’t be hanging out with them anymore.  I can’t allow myself to be around people who hurt me.  We can’t be friends.

Four year old grown up

Mornings are the busiest part of our day.  As I rush around reminding each kid of what they have left to do to get ready, I try to do various house chores.  I usually clean when I come home from work or school but throughout the night the kids get up and roam through the kitchen, Hailee may have an accident and change clothes, they secretly create a fort… whatever the case, there is always more work in the morning! A few days ago while we were in our morning rush my 4 year old daughter Hailee decided to change her clothes and leave them in the floor.  Fet up, I told her that she needed to pick her clothes up and walk them to the laundry hamper.  Then I continued to lecture her about how she needed to start taking care of herself because no one was going to clean up after her when she got older hahaha, I realize now how crazy I sound.  Well it turned out that Hailee took my words to heart.  Yesterday she made her own lunch, cleaned up her own messes all day and then she decided to make me dinner.

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She calls it lettuce soup.  It has celery, fruit loops, and milk in it.  She stood there with this super excited face just waiting for me to take a bite. So I did, I really did.  Oh my goodness, the things we do to make our children happy.  Needless to say, I won’t be giving Hailee anymore lectures until she learns her way around the kitchen.

Say what you mean

For the past two and a half years I have been head over hills for this guy named Eli.  From the day I met him, he has had this familiarity that made me feel at home.  Maybe it is the martial arts, since my entire family grew up going to work with my dad in his karate studio.  But something about him caught my attention.  I happen to be one of those people who acts like a complete idiot around guys I like so for the past two years I’ve been a straight fool.  Last year I gave up thinking if he hadn’t ask me out yet he never would. Which changed everything.  I guess I mellowed out and was my self more. He texted me one day after church asking if I’d like to get waffles, everyone who knows me knows I’m a fool for breakfast foods.

I sent everyone in my click that message as I did cartwheels in my head.  Finally this guy I’ve liked forever is showing some interest in me, and it felt amazing.  However in my world whatever goes up must come down.  We went to IHOP, had a nice lunch and talked.  While we were at my car he mentioned going to a movie sometime but that was it.  There was no follow up and within the next few weeks I found out from Jacob, our mutual friend, that he has started dating another girl, Aylssa.  It sucked.  When we would go out in group hang outs I’d have to see them together which sucked more.  So I tried to distance myself from the group, it was hard because they are persistent haha.  Around May of last year I got a job offer for my secret side job (working in ATL in movies) and they asked if Eli would be available to come.  I figured since he had been dating Aylssa for about 4 months that the wound would be healed and I’d be cool to be around him.  Besides he had no clue that I had ever been hurt anyways.  You know since it was just a silly one time date.  He had no clue I’d liked him for so long or how excited I was.  And he obviously wanted to be with this other girl because he had liked her forever.  So I invited him along.  Everything seemed fine… until the ride home.  We had been up for so long so I decided to try to take a nap.  I laid my head on the middle console and then he put his hand on my back and rubbed it all the way home.  I didn’t understand what this meant, was he just making me comfortable or was he making a move or what?  When we finally made it back home and when I got up I felt like there was a moment he might kiss me but then he hesitated and pulled back.  Which was a good thing since he had a girlfriend.  But all those feelings came back.  Why, did he have to be so dang cute and charming.  Ugh, it sucked.  I didn’t see him much over the summer.

In August our mutual friends invited us to a concert.  I found out that his relationship with Aylssa was over and he was single for the time being.  Which didn’t have much of an effect on me since the idea of us had been long gone.  I was numb to the idea that he would ever like me.  I felt like this entire thing had just been in my head.  During the concert I stuck beside Jacob, because Jacob makes me feel comfortable.  I sat on this blanket we brought and watched as the different bands played. At some point Eli sat next to me to inquire about my feelings for our friend Max, who I had gone on a date with a few months back.  I told him I didn’t really like Max in that way, oh and don’t get me wrong because I adore Max, he is incredibly kind and nurturing.  But there are no fireworks with him.  Eli then proceeded to ask who I was interested in.  Something happened to me, maybe it was the pot fumes floating around the air or the loud music with the dark skies and glow sticks but I just up and ousted myself.  I said you, and he looked a little surprised and said, “me?” I was like yes you.  He didn’t say anything else for a minute.  And then he stood up and walked off and I thought oh well, I finally said it after 2 years.  Then I stood up the stretch my legs and it happened.  He walked over and placed his arm around my waist, tilted his head down to my ear and whispered, “if we ever became a thing, what about max?” And I said, “he will get over it”.  Eli laughed, I guess that was funny.  The night ended shortly afterwards and we went our separate ways.  I didn’t hear from him for a week aside from a Facebook like on a new profile picture.  He called and asked if I’d like to go hiking with him and Jacob, which I was like um duh 🙄.  I used more polite language.  From there he asked for a more private date the following Monday.  The next Sunday, oh and keep in mind the poor guy had been on 2 dates with me and still no kiss.. so anyways that Sunday,  we were standing at our cars and he started to discuss how we should go about dating since I have kids and I guess we’ve known each other for a while.  He said we should take it slow.  I agreed and then he finally did it, he kissed me.  He kissed me good.  I mean he was a good kisser.  It didn’t seem real.  Then I went home and the dating process began.

img_1525I’ve never dated someone who actually took me on dates.  Like real dates.  I liked dating him,  I liked kissing him, I liked everything about him.  That is until this one weekend,  he invited me on a camping trip with a group of friends which included Max.  For a few weeks we kept our dating on the down low as to break it to Max easily so in front of him there was no hand holding or hugging or kissing.  But by time the camping trip came around Eli had told Max since Max had started dating Nicole… um Eli’s ex girlfriend.  Who was also coming on the camping trip. The entire weekend was terrible.  Eli ignored me in front of his friends, and didn’t speak to me very much.  I stuck with Jacob as usual.  I didn’t understand and I didn’t want to bring it up to cause waves.  I should have but I didn’t.  I told Jacob during lunch the following week that I didn’t want to date Eli anymore.  I didn’t tell him why, I don’t know why I’m so afraid of sharing my feelings but I am.  Eli became a little distant over the next few weeks, he would text me less often and we weren’t going on dates every week.  I understood the lingo, he was getting ready to end it.  Then out of no where he invited me to his moms house for dinner.  I didn’t understand because I felt like we had been moving towards a ending phase and meeting the parents is usually the opposite.  I went anyways,  he was cute with his mom and we may have made out in the back room, “risqué” haha, it was fun.  I felt like I needed to mirror his behavior so that he wouldn’t think I wasn’t into him so I invited him to my house too for thanksgiving… he didn’t come.  Instead that weekend we went to see Monoa.  I met him at the movies and knew something was different about the mood.  He didn’t greet me with a kiss like he did every time we met.  We went to eat afterwards and talked and laughed, he even got me to eat this pepper that was created by the devil himself.  He drove me back to my car and we sat in his truck, we talked more about random stuff and I was thinking well it’s time to go and still no kiss, something is up.  I was right.  He finally said and I’ll quote, “Annabelle I think you’re really pretty, and funny and I love spending time with you BUT I don’t see us going anywhere… I like dating you though, what do you think?  Do you want to keep dating?”  I felt my face heat up and knew it was red.  I said well what’s the point, if it’s not going anywhere…. he said well just because it’s not going anywhere now doesn’t mean it won’t.  I told him that I felt like we haven’t been communicating well and somehow in the blur of the moment, I’m pretty sure I blacked out momentarily… we agreed to keep dating, and then he asked if it was ok the kiss me. I said ok and then we went back to being us for the next 5 minutes.  I finally got in my car and drove home wondering what just happened.  I thought about the conversation all night and then I’m the morning I woke up very unsure about continuing to date him.  I mean he is this gorgeous, wonderful guy that’s honest with me and kind but I just felt like he wasn’t into me and the conversation left me feeling unwanted and toyed with.  So I laid in bed the morning processing everything while scrolling my Facebook newsfeed and see this post that Eli has tagged his ex girlfriend Aylssa in… yikes, what, wow.  Everything makes sense.  He isn’t over the girl he ditched me for last year.  I’m the rebound.  Just stick an icepick in my chest and be done with it.  I texted him and told him we shouldn’t date anymore.   I couldn’t even do it face to face.  He asked if we could still be friends.  I said sure.

The following weekend I hung out with Jacob who told me Eli was on a date with another girl, not Aylssa but another chick.  I guess I’ve had so much disappointment by this point that I didn’t even flinch or turn red.  I didn’t hear from him again until mid December, he sent me a funny video over Facebook messager.  I said Ha.  That was it.  That is until last week, he reached out to me via text, he asked how I was doing and how the holidays were.  I kind of ghosted him in the middle of the conversation.  I saw him for the first time this past Saturday, I drove to his house to meet up with Jacob.  I had to stop on the way at a school close by his house to regroup my feelings and try not to care if he was seeing someone.  When I got to his house the boys were in the yard shooting a bow and arrow.  I walked up and they asked if I wanted to try and I said sure, Eli stepped up and offered to show me how by wrapping his arms around me and all that jazz.  I tried to ignore him.  He joined Jacob and my shopping day and I tried again not to notice him.  Little things like placing his hand on my shoulder or the way he looked at me or talked to me… I tried to ignore it.  I got the feeling that he wanted to rekindle things between us but I could just be reading into things.  I feel like the source to all our problems has stemmed from poor communication but I don’t think it can be fixed at this point.  What goes up must come down.

Secret Hideout

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My Secret Hideout

Growing up on 100 acres of land I had this special spot. My siblings and I discovered what would become our playground, safe haven, and above all our secret hideout. While playing outside one afternoon, we invaded the woods that edged the top of a hill. The area overlooked about 20 acres, including our home and the road we lived off. There was a tree that had been struck by lightening, giving it this bent shape which was perfect for sitting. My brothers sat atop this tree as the lookouts and spy’s while I decided to clean our new “home” by gathering fallen leaves and branches. As I swept the leaves together with my hands I noticed something sparkle. I moved more leaves to get a closer look, it was GOLD!!! Or so I thought at the time, turns out I found glittery gravel that people used back in the day for driveways. I alerted the lookouts and we quickly became treasure hunters for the day, whipping off our socks to shove the best looking rocks into them and smuggle them home for safe keeping in our underwear drawer. This place quickly became our new favorite place that we titled The Golden Rocks. It’s been 20 years and I still find myself wanting to runaway to hide, be alone, and think at my secret hideout. I’m a 28 year old single mother of 3, working full time while going to school full time… who wouldn’t want to run away? Writing down my trials, feelings, and experiences seems to be the best escape I’ve discovered so far, I figured the best way to get feedback and give out advice would be to create a blog. So here I have it my online Golden Rocks 😄.