Death becomes him

img_3649Last night I watched my dad die again.  I relive the same event several times a month via dreams.  I see him laying on the floor in his office, my mom panicked over the top of him and my brother struggling to get to him.  I’m at the end of the long hallway and I’m screaming dad, as I run but I can never seem to reach him.  It always ends the same.  He dies, and then he comes back to tell me to stop watching him die.  I can’t.  I don’t know how.  It’s carved into my memory.  It’s hard to go to sleep at night, out of fear of how I’ll awake.  My dad was stronger than the Incredible Hulk, smarter than Iron Man, and he could beat Chuck Norris up all while painting his toe nails with me as we listened to Britney Spears.  The trauma of finding my hero wounded and dying has not left me even after 6 years.  My dreams have become the only place I can meet him, where I seek counsel and guidance….  If only that sweet reunion would end in a peaceful goodbye.

My Bathroom Fiasco

I thought demolition would be the hard part.  Man oh man was I wrong!  It took us a good four hours ripping my surround shower tub combo out. We used different saws and hammers to break it apart and then carried it out in chunks. The guys helping me capped the water off so that I’d still be able to use the sink and what not.  Let me state this now,  if you haven’t followed my previous blog we are all winging this!  None of us have ever redone a bath before and we have been prepping ourselves with YouTube videos and advice from people we meet!  On that note, my ex husband does drywall for a living and offered to handle that part.  He is also a compulsive liar and it’s rare for him to follow through with anything he says.  Thursday was our demolition day, my ex was supposed to drywall Friday, and then Saturday we would tile.  It’s Monday morning and here I sit staring at the unfinished wall in my bathroom.

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I’ve decided that after my morning class I am going to come back home and finish the job myself.  Heck, I watched him do it… he measured the wall, cut the hardie board with a razor and then screwed it to the wall, how hard could it be?  That’s only one of my dilemmas.  The other dilemma is that facet.  I think the guys helping me rigged it in the bathtub because it is not holding up well.

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It’s not centered and there is a big gap between the tub and the facet. I’m having a mini stroke just seeing it, and imagining how in the world we are going to fix it. If ANYONE, ANYWHERE has advice for me I would greatly appreciate it!!!

The losing battle of the single mom

Restraining kids to their beds isn’t an option is it?  I need advice on how to keep my 4 year old from leaving her bed at night that also allows me to achieve a sane number of sleeping hours.  I told her that she could no longer sleep in her older sisters bed.  I want her to start sleeping in her own bed each night.  I spent an entire weekend painting and remodeling her room for her, I bought a bed, dresser, and a nightstand with a small tv.  The kid has it made, I slept in a sleeping bag my entire 2nd grade year and I didn’t have a dresser until I bought one when I was 18.  But does any of that matter? No.  She sneaks out of her room every night and crawls into her sisters bed.  I’ve tried to guard the door, I caught her twice last night but she is a night owl and always out last me!  I resulted to threats last night, I told her if I woke to find her in her sisters bed she would be punished.

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I woke up, went straight to her room, No Hailee?  Go to her sisters room look in bed, no Hailee?  Small heart attack, as I catch a glimpse of a small people on the floor.  It’s Hailee, sleeping in her sisters room on the floor.  I’m losing this fight.

Mixing pleasure with work 😏

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I’m supposed to be learning about the different structures of the skeletal system.  While taking pictures of each piece of bone to study later at home I took the most epic photo of this Mandible.  I’ve always loved photography and now I want to go around taking beautiful pictures of every piece of bone in class!  Well I’ve got to go back to work, tally ho!

We can’t be friends

img_3615I finally said exactly what I was thinking and it may have ruined everything.  Do you ever have one of those nights where you’re laying in bed, mentally reliving a conversation, and kicking yourself for all the dumb things you wish you hadn’t said?  That sums up how well I slept.  I was supposed to have breakfast with the guys and then hang out. It wasn’t supposed to be awkward since I had already seen Eli twice post dating.  We were cool.  Or so I thought.  When I got to breakfast Max had his girlfriend and little sister there, and then Aylssa Eli’s ex girlfriend was there too.  It sparked a little jealousy inside me since I knew that he still had a thing for her.  I try to listen to the advice others give me about if he doesn’t want to be with me then move on.  Yes I understand, logically that makes sense.  I’m not trying to get back together with him, I’m just not 100% over him so being in this situation was hard.  So I planned on saying that I had plans afterwards to donate blood for class so that I wouldn’t have to hangout afterwards.  Well guess what?  Jacob and Eli decided we would all go donate blood together and then hangout. Everyone decided to do a scavenger hunt at this place called Stover’s, it’s like a real life narnia.  There were 6 of us so we got split into teams of 2.  I got paired with Aylssa.  It ended up being fun and I saw why Eli liked her, she was funny, energetic, and witty.  Dang I hate her, but I really like her.  Ugh.  Since things were going good I decided to join the bonfire at the guys house afterwards.  I made the mistake of telling Jacob I had kissed someone else’s boyfriend.  Harsh judgement followed, which traveled to everyone there.  I blew it off and continued about the night.  Soon it was just Jacob, Eli and I watching YouTube videos.

This is where things turned ugly.  Jacob told me that Eli got beat up by some drunk chick.  Eli showed me the scratch marks and started to tell the story about his friend who got drunk and attacked him.  I was on his side, I hate girls who attack certain guys because they know they won’t fight back simply because they’re a gentleman.  However when I heard this girl was married, and her husband was upstairs sleeping while Eli was downstairs taking care of his drunk wife who was attacking him then, crying and begging him not to leave… I voiced my opinion, I told him that it wasn’t cool for them to judge me for kissing someone who had a girlfriend when he is hanging out with a drunk married woman.  Eli just looked at me and told me to get out of his house.  He continued to say they had been friends for a long time, and it was hard enough without my input.  Jacob changed the subject and then they turned on a movie.  Completely dismissing the get out of my house statement.  I sat there feeling so uncomfortable, I wanted to leave but I didn’t want them to know I was hurt.  So instead I sat there for 20 minutes watching this movie like a dufus, pretending nothing just happened.  The longer I sat there the harder I tried to hide the hurt.  My face was heated, eyes filled with tears, my throat was swelling closed so I finally got to courage to grab my stuff and walk out.  I didn’t say anything except to Jacob, which was, I’m leaving.  Eli texted shortly afterwards.

img_3648Even with an apology I can’t see myself comfortable entering his home anymore.  This is the end, I won’t be hanging out with them anymore.  I can’t allow myself to be around people who hurt me.  We can’t be friends.

Four year old grown up

Mornings are the busiest part of our day.  As I rush around reminding each kid of what they have left to do to get ready, I try to do various house chores.  I usually clean when I come home from work or school but throughout the night the kids get up and roam through the kitchen, Hailee may have an accident and change clothes, they secretly create a fort… whatever the case, there is always more work in the morning! A few days ago while we were in our morning rush my 4 year old daughter Hailee decided to change her clothes and leave them in the floor.  Fet up, I told her that she needed to pick her clothes up and walk them to the laundry hamper.  Then I continued to lecture her about how she needed to start taking care of herself because no one was going to clean up after her when she got older hahaha, I realize now how crazy I sound.  Well it turned out that Hailee took my words to heart.  Yesterday she made her own lunch, cleaned up her own messes all day and then she decided to make me dinner.

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She calls it lettuce soup.  It has celery, fruit loops, and milk in it.  She stood there with this super excited face just waiting for me to take a bite. So I did, I really did.  Oh my goodness, the things we do to make our children happy.  Needless to say, I won’t be giving Hailee anymore lectures until she learns her way around the kitchen.

Do I have to go to school!

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I feel too old to be going back to school.  I sit next to a 16 year old in my A&P class at the community college.  SIXTEEN!!! Our high school here allows the kids to do a dual enrollment program which allows them to do their high school classes at college to receive credit for both.  While that’s an amazing opportunity and I wish they allowed that while I was in high school,  I feel like that chick in the movie Never Been Kissed. On a more positive note, my instructor is a hottie 😉.  As an adult I have a better understanding of time and I know that spending a small portion of my life doing this bridge program from LPN to RN could change how I spend the rest of my life.  So despite my internal protest, I have to go to school!  Tally ho!